do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
