So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
