My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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