I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
