Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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