I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
