I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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