so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just found puke in my bra..
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
