What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
