I wannas sexs uuuuu
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
