The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
It was a blind-side dick pic.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
