i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
so let's talk penis.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize