I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
