I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize