Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
