i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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