you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
