Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
