We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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