I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize