when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
