I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize