Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
