Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
