I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
