...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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