I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
