my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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