Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
where are you?
Hypothermia
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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