It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just want to make out with him forever
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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