I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize