i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
