Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
