cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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