This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
