I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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