It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.â€
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