my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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