I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
