you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My feet surprised me
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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