so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
