Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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