She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Dick very happy bro
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
