i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
