My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
