I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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