he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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