i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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