my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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