I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
