Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
