I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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