Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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