Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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