I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
