Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
