When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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