mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
where are my eyebrows?
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