I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
