my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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