i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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