Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize
