You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
