masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
