she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
