Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
