please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
